Thoughts (Part 4)

[ladynox25]

From Anne:

...you shouldn't be blaming yourself for what sounds to me like a perfectly normal love life...

I'm not blaming myself for my love life. I do blame myself for what happened after. I lost a number of very good opportunities in the year after A. and I broke up. I sat at home watching TV or playing on the computer and not looking for a job or not looking hard enough and I finally got to the point that I had $12 in my checking account and that was *all*. I had to get to that point before I made myself shake off my depression and go out and get a job.

I blame myself for being that weak and allowing myself to hurt my future like that.

This near miss also has had the result of making me doubly careful before I spend money on any big purchase...I feel like I'm a greyhound chasing a rabbit, because I lost all my savings due to my idiocy and now I'm having to rebuild from scratch. Everything I ever want for my retirement, for example. I had a little cushion I could have used for that, but I squandered it.

That's what I blame myself for.

Now, I was depressed. Clinically. I was on medication. I know this. I still blame myself for being weak, for being imperfect, and for being human.

Comments

[publius1.livejournal.com]

Now, I was depressed. Clinically. I was on medication. I know this. I still blame myself for being weak, for being imperfect, and for being human.

RED LIGHT, RED LIGHT, BLARING SIREN, BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP...

[texas-tiger.livejournal.com]

?

Seriously, ?

[publius1.livejournal.com]

The question mark, it is the perfect punctuation mark, is it not?

Anyway: I think you very likely may be clinically depressed again. I don't know if you have insurance that will cover it, but I would see a psychiatrist or doctor post-haste if I were you. Which I'm not.

Yes, life can be hell, but it doesn't necessarily mean that your depression is externally caused. Our bodies and our hormones can do some absolutely stupid things to us.

[texas-tiger.livejournal.com]

Yes, yes they can.

Thank you.

[annewashere.livejournal.com]

Okay, stop blaming yourself for being a perfectly normal human being, then.

[silmaril.livejournal.com]

...and postnote: Yes, I know that isn't easy to do either, once it's been ingrained in you that you _should_ blame yourself. The ingraining might have come from the outside or from the family or from inside or whatever, it doesn't matter, but I know it exists. Once it's there it requires effort to delete.

But you can do it.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_constantine/]

Ya know, I do think you're a nice enough person, so maybe the reason I'm taking the "tough love" approach today is because I'm having a bad day, but it's probably because I've been where you are and I'm still irritated with myself for having done the exact same thing that you did, except on a much vaster scale.

But first, a story:

My Boss' girlfriend, Gail, is a wonderful woman. I've known her for years, long before she and Boss ever hooked up. She's smart, she's funny, she's capable.

About a year or so ago, she finally left her abusive husband. That's great and all, but the interesting thing here is how she did it. He was being a shit about the divorce, so she let him have everything. The house, the car, the furnishings, the savings, absolutely everything but her own clothes. She didn't sneak out in the middle of the night, she just made him an overwhelmingly generous offer in divorce court just to get him the Hell out of her life.

Gail is in her late forties. At a time when most people have established themselves and are thinking of retiring in the next 10 years, she did this to herself, knocking herself back down to square one.

"But Gail," I exclaimed, "you're leaving yourself with nothing! It's going to take you years to get back on your feet again!"

Gail looked at me and smiled; not a wry smile or a sarcastic smile, not a smile that people give to shrug off the pain, but a genuinely happy smile. "Steve, I've been there before, and it doesn't matter. I can do it again."

The moral of this story: People who can't get over it and move on eat the dust of those who can.

[gentlyepigrams]

I didn't go quite that far when I left my ex, but I did give up a lot of stuff. I was helped by my father's example: when he left his first wife, he took his car and his stereo and his clothes after 20 years of marriage. I loved that antique book of Robert Burns' poetry that my mother gave me, and I loved having money in the bank, and I loved my cats, but I loved my freedom and my self-esteem more.

You can come back from having $0.29 in your bank account and being terribly depressed. I did.

[hoya99.livejournal.com]

Blame? BLAME? Why is everyone so fucking eager to assign blame to things? You are who you are. You made decisions and now you're living with them. Fine. Live with them. But letting them dominate your thoughts about what might be in the future...

Do IM me. I think we might have a very illuminating chat about pain, love, and life in general.