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Dec. 31st, 2004 10:49 am
Although I haven't written on the topic of the tsunami, I'm sure it goes without saying that I was and am horrified and saddened by it.
In other news, I am in Chicago, enjoying the Social and having a good time. Life goes on, no?
Two odd news items that caught my eye:
Men prefer subordinate women to equals.
New robot powers itself by eating flies.
Finally, some thoughts on the end of 2004:
I don't normally go around making New Year's resolutions as such. But this year I did fufill at least one important goal I had set myself: moving into my own apartment. Even with my recent troubles, when I look back at how things were three years ago or even one year ago, I have to honestly say that my life is improving. Maybe not fast enough to keep up with my impatience, but improving nonetheless. I'm certainly healthier, happier, and better off by any measure.
And I would like to take an opportunity to say, what I probably don't say often enough in my selfish griping about my personal problems, and that is: thank you. Thank you, my friends who have expressed support for me, here and elsewhere. Thank you, my friends who have helped me in other ways. Thank you, my friends who have thought about me, or sent me something, even if it was just a note saying "How are you?" because it meant you were thinking about me. Thank you, everyone here, whether "friend" or not, who listened to me vent and gripe, rant and rave and bitch. And thank you, my family (even though they don't read this), and my friends too, for putting up with what was probably the worst three years we have ever gone through and seeing me safe on the other side.
On average, I can honestly say for the first time in a long time, despite everything, that I am a happy person. I can say that I look forward to my opportunities and not back to my failures. I can say that I have hope and love and light and laughter and even faith back in my life when I thought those things were dead in me. I can say that I am a stronger person, a wiser person, and I hope a better person for what I went through. I can say that I survived it all and that I am back to feeling like a normal person again. It's so hard to explain or even describe, but if you've been there you know what I mean. At times, it's like the weight of mountains has been lifted off my back and I can stand up and stretch again. It is such a relief.
Of course, I'm not perfect, life is not perfect, and I'm sure I'll have bad days to come. But the strange thing is, I don't worry about those so much anymore. I know I can survive them, because I've survived worse. I'm not so anxious to please, because I have confidence again. I know my own self-worth and my own strength better now than I ever have. I'm not afraid of losing my friends because I know those of you who have stuck with me this far and have seen the depths of the worst of me aren't going to drop me now. I know who I can depend on. Believe me, I will never forget it, or what I owe you either. Most importantly, I know who I am and what I can do. I know I have obstacles but I also know that with a little luck I can get over them.
It's like all the depression that was weighting me down and retarding me got changed into forward momentum somehow, somwhere along the way. It was a gradual process to be sure, but there were milestones along the way. I don't think I'll enumerate them now, but if I get the chance later to sit down and think it over I will. At any rate, what I do know is that I'm ready for life now. In fact, I'm just longing to jump into it and eat it up. And I suppose the best summation I can find for my end-of-the-year ramblings is this:
Live! Live! Live! Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death! -- Auntie Mame
In other news, I am in Chicago, enjoying the Social and having a good time. Life goes on, no?
Two odd news items that caught my eye:
Men prefer subordinate women to equals.
New robot powers itself by eating flies.
Finally, some thoughts on the end of 2004:
I don't normally go around making New Year's resolutions as such. But this year I did fufill at least one important goal I had set myself: moving into my own apartment. Even with my recent troubles, when I look back at how things were three years ago or even one year ago, I have to honestly say that my life is improving. Maybe not fast enough to keep up with my impatience, but improving nonetheless. I'm certainly healthier, happier, and better off by any measure.
And I would like to take an opportunity to say, what I probably don't say often enough in my selfish griping about my personal problems, and that is: thank you. Thank you, my friends who have expressed support for me, here and elsewhere. Thank you, my friends who have helped me in other ways. Thank you, my friends who have thought about me, or sent me something, even if it was just a note saying "How are you?" because it meant you were thinking about me. Thank you, everyone here, whether "friend" or not, who listened to me vent and gripe, rant and rave and bitch. And thank you, my family (even though they don't read this), and my friends too, for putting up with what was probably the worst three years we have ever gone through and seeing me safe on the other side.
On average, I can honestly say for the first time in a long time, despite everything, that I am a happy person. I can say that I look forward to my opportunities and not back to my failures. I can say that I have hope and love and light and laughter and even faith back in my life when I thought those things were dead in me. I can say that I am a stronger person, a wiser person, and I hope a better person for what I went through. I can say that I survived it all and that I am back to feeling like a normal person again. It's so hard to explain or even describe, but if you've been there you know what I mean. At times, it's like the weight of mountains has been lifted off my back and I can stand up and stretch again. It is such a relief.
Of course, I'm not perfect, life is not perfect, and I'm sure I'll have bad days to come. But the strange thing is, I don't worry about those so much anymore. I know I can survive them, because I've survived worse. I'm not so anxious to please, because I have confidence again. I know my own self-worth and my own strength better now than I ever have. I'm not afraid of losing my friends because I know those of you who have stuck with me this far and have seen the depths of the worst of me aren't going to drop me now. I know who I can depend on. Believe me, I will never forget it, or what I owe you either. Most importantly, I know who I am and what I can do. I know I have obstacles but I also know that with a little luck I can get over them.
It's like all the depression that was weighting me down and retarding me got changed into forward momentum somehow, somwhere along the way. It was a gradual process to be sure, but there were milestones along the way. I don't think I'll enumerate them now, but if I get the chance later to sit down and think it over I will. At any rate, what I do know is that I'm ready for life now. In fact, I'm just longing to jump into it and eat it up. And I suppose the best summation I can find for my end-of-the-year ramblings is this:
