ladynox25

It is very ironic that while we were on our honeymoon, I was able to keep up with LiveJournal once a day. We had internet access in all the hotels, although it was occasionally spotty, and after walking all day, we were tired enough to sit and surf.

Now that we've gotten back, I have had hardly any time to read LJ. I do my best to keep up but I keep falling further and further behind. So, for information's sake, let it be known that we did in fact get married, go on our honeymoon, which we enjoyed very much, and got back safe. Since then we have been very busy with post-wedding stuff, including writing thank you cards, changing my last name (not finished yet), my sweetie doing his dissertation revisions, working on our wedding album, and so on.

My sweetie left yesterday morning to go to Pennsylvania to turn in said dissertation revisions, meet with his committee, pack and sell his stuff, clean out his apartment and terminate his lease, and visit friends and family that he won't see again for a while. I would have loved to go with him; alas I am completely devoid of vacation time, having used it all for the honeymoon, so here I stay. We expect him to be gone about a week and a half and I am already missing him horribly.

I can't say that it has been all sweetness and light; relationships never are. I can say with all truth and seriousness that despite an attack of preceremony nerves that had me feeling like a deer in the headlights, I am totally convinced--and was, even during the nervous period--that this is totally, completely, and utterly the right choice. When Father Gavin opened the door to the bridal room and asked me if I was ready to go down the aisle, my immediate, instinctive, gut response (even in the midst of the nerves) was "Hell yeah." Then I apologized to him for my language but he just smiled. And I feel exactly the same today.

Whatever growing pains we have as we grow into our relationship as a married couple, and I have no doubt that we will have them, the truth of the matter is that we are partners. I can depend on him. He can depend on me. For him, I know that that is a big step. For me, it may be even bigger. Coming out of the depression of six plus years ago, when I thought my world was shattered and there was nothing left for me; coming out of the shattered, ruined aftermath, when I felt that my ability to trust and love was completely dead, to find someone who I know heart and soul is with me to the end...that is a blessing beyond words.

And whatever happens from here on out, even if by some freak of chance by the end of the week I am a widow (God forbid!), I would still count myself blessed. And at the end of the day, that is really all that needs saying.

On the other foot, if something has happened to you in the last month or so that you want me to know about, please leave me a note. My LiveJournal presence will probably continue to be spotty for the next little while, but I will keep trying to read as much as I can.

Scroll arrived and is beautiful. Sweetie's parents and my parents apparently get along famously. Last minute tux problems being a hassle. Mood is shifting between 1) mentally, emotionally, and occasionally physically exhausted, 2) totally and completely focussed and determined, and 3) panic close to outright terror.

It's strange, or maybe not so strange, that I can be totally confident that marrying John is the absolute right thing to do and at the same time be totally terrified of going through the process, with all the responsibility it entails. And here I thought men were supposed to be the committment-phobics. Oh, and to complicate the matter, I'm totally ready for the whole thing to be over with too.

In a story to be told later, the scroll arrived yesterday, and there was *much* rejoicing.

My sweetie will be picking up his parents at the airport today, at which point there will be more rejoicing.

Today is the last day I work before the wedding. Which is grounds for even more rejoicing.

So where are my peasants??? Rejoice, dammit!

Bridal shower went sucessfully. Also videoconference call with my sweetie's parents. Still trying to get used to my manicure and the fact that I need to be careful how I use my hands. Also trying to get used to trimmed hair.

Went and got the marriage license yesterday.

Holy crap.

We're actually going to do this.

I drove to HS this weekend. While there, I was planning to get my car inspected, since this needs to be done before the end of March. I go to start it on Saturday to drive it to the local place, and no dice. The alternator turns over, the battery is clearly engaged, and the car has a full tank of gas, but the car doesn't start. I suspect something in the fuel line. Unfortunately, the local place doesn't do fuel line diagnostics on Saturday so my dad & I towed the car to the service center & they will look at it first thing Monday. Meanwhile, I'm driving my dad's pickup. Oh joy, oh rapture.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that my dad will let me drive his truck so I don't lose my transportation. But this is not a good time to be having vehicle problems, considering that I will be needing my Explorer's haulage capacity repeatedly in the next few weeks. Hopefully, it's just a clogged fuel filter. That's my guess, anyway, based on the symptoms, plus the fact that I usually top off my gas tank at between half and a quarter tank. This time, however, I wasn't able to make it to a gas station until I was on my way to HS, so my tank was down much further than usual when I filled it up. Then, too, my car's getting close to its next maintenance, so the filter was probably already dirty. Putting in 3/4 or more of a tank of gas probably stirred up the sediment that's been collecting in the tank and then, during the drive to HS, it overloaded the filter. Anyway, we'll see.

My grandmother is doing as well as can be expected, given that she's dying. They took her off the glucose because her kidneys shut down and all it was doing was making her edemic. She's peaceful, though, and they're giving her painkillers so she's in reasonable comfort. My parents and I talked about it (and they had talked it over before I came up for a visit) and we've decided that we are not postponing the wedding, whatever happens. We may end up postponing the bridal shower scheduled for April 1st, though.

All in all, I think her death is peaceful, and people are being given the chance to let her go. And once she is ready, she will let go. Any prayers, though, are of course appreciated.

Wednesday night I talked to my dad on the phone. He told me that my [maternal] grandmother had had a heart attack. He didn't tell me how severe, but said that she was still in the nursing home. He also said that I would probably want to come to Daingerfield before I left, to see her, in case she wasn't alive when I returned. Thursday I left straight from work for Daingerfield and met my parents at the nursing home. She was lying in bed, half-propped up, on oxygen, and her breathing was labored. I stayed about an hour and a half, and then left.

What can I say? I couldn't understand, when I was talking with my dad, why they didn't move her to a hospital if her heart attack was that severe. After seeing her, I think I understand. It was a severe heart attack. She was stable, but she's not likely to recover from it. She could die at any time, or linger for weeks. Why cause her more stress?

What can I say? I was anxious all of Thursday, debating whether to go on my trip or cancel it. My mom told me to go. She was stable, and if she died, there was nothing I could do anyway. So I went.

On the way to the airport, something my mom told me long ago--and continues to repeat to this day--coupled with something hoya99 said to me on Thursday night, as I was talking to him about this, made me realize something. My mom has always said that she does not want to be a burden to me. I think, having seen what disease and time can do to strong people, and knowing that I am an only child, I think she has decided that she does not want to tie my life down in some form of obligation or duty. She has said to me so many times that if she gets sick, to stick her in a nursing home and leave her there.

hoya99 crystallized that for me by asking me what I thought my grandmother would want. I've never been very close to her, so at first I couldn't tell him. I didn't know. She's Victorian in her morals, and the idea of me spending a weekend in a NoVa hotel with my sweetie is probably not something she would approve of. But, then I thought about what my mom said, and I realize that that goes for grandchildren, too.

And I realized something else. Those of you who have read my journal from the beginning know that I went through a very hard time some years ago now. I realized that what I went through then would help me now.

I know my grandmother is going to die. In the abstract, sooner or later we all will. But now I know, she will die soon. How soon is soon, I do not know. But I do know that this is her time; this heart attack is the beginning of the end for her.

I hope she will last to see my wedding. I'm already anticipating the grief of her loss. Although we are not and have not been close, in losing her I will lose my only living grandparent. I already feel the burden of my mother's grief. And there is a bond, I think, for women, from mother to daughter, and from grandmother to mother to granddaughter. For good, or for ill, there is something there. And this loss will come soon. Tomorrow, next week, next month, I don't know. But after the grief, there will be a life to live.

My [maternal] grandfather's death, ironically enough, was a major step for me on my path to healing from my bad time. He was a fighter, and I realized at his death that I would dishonor his memory, if I let myself quit. Now, anticipating the grief to come, I can see that even so, when the grief too dies away, the life I live afterward will be something my grandmother wanted, even if she never knows it, even if she never said anything to me about it.

The only gift we can give our parents and grandparents is to go on. To not let ourselves be tied to our pasts. To not linger in the grief, weighed down by the burden. Grief is natural and cleansing, but beyond that, life must continue, otherwise what was the point of giving birth in the first place?

Life is a journey. But the journey is larger and greater than just one life. The life that I am living did not begin with me, and it will not, I hope, end with me. My life is a continuation of my mother's, and my grandmothers', and my father's, and my grandfathers', and the greatest tribute I can make to their gift of life within me is to live it.

So I went to NoVa, and enjoyed my weekend, of which more later, and when I came back, my grandmother was still alive. And is still alive. And so we wait, she and I, and my mother and aunts and uncles. But life does go on. So I plan my wedding, hoping she will be there, but knowing that even if not, she will be there inside me.

Two months, two days, and counting:

• Pre-Cana counseling is almost done--we have one more meeting scheduled and a Marriage Preparation Day to attend, but that's it.
  
• Wedding-day schedule is put together and in final stages of adjustment.
  
• Bridal shoot is all but arranged--need to firm up time with photographer.
  
• Dress, veil, and all accessories are purchased.
  
• Going away dress is purchased.
  
• MoB dress is purchased; MoH dress is selected, if not purchased.
  
• Makeup is purchased.
  
• Flower arrangements are in the process of assembly.
  
• Bouquets are done, although one needs adjustment; boutonnieres & corsages are done.
  
• Wedding party members are almost all confirmed--readings to be mailed to readers next week.
  
• Gifts for same still need to be purchased.
  
• Bridal luncheon this coming weekend in NoVa--getting excited about that.
  
• Bridal shower April 1st in TX
  
• Caterer & cakes arranged, as long as headcount is 50 (here's hoping!)
  
• Need to meet again with organist to go over prelude material & ceremony music.
  
• Music for reception is in progress.
  
• Need to arrange tuxedo rentals--will be calling places next week.
  
• Need to arrange dates for facials and waxing prior to wedding.
  
• Honeymoon plans are starting to firm up.
  
• Transportation & lodging for wedding party members needs to be finalized.
  
• Rings still need to be purchased.
  
• License needs to be arranged, but not yet.

So, four months and counting.

Things done:

• Caterer found & booked
  
• Photographer found & booked
  
• Cake maker found & booked
  
• Hairstylist found & booked
  
• Invitations ordered & ready to be picked up
  
• Decoration materials bought & being assembled
  
• Officiant confirmed
  
• Readings confirmed
  
• Dress paid off
  
• Accessories purchased
  
• Marriage license details confirmed
  

Things in progress:

• Preliminary wedding rehearsal/wedding day schedule created; refinements in progress
  
• Readers/ushers/greeter/guest book people confirmation in progress
  
• Dress alterations scheduled
  
• Guest book details in progress
  
• Music compilation for reception in progress
  
• Champagne
  
• Travel plans for March NoVa Bridal Shower in progress
  

Things not started:

• Bridal shoot
  
• Marriage license
  
• Travel & lodging plans for members of the wedding party
  
• Location for rehearsal dinner
  
• Measurements for tuxedos
  
• Rings
  
• Seat covers
  
• Going away dress
  
• Gifts for readers/ushers/greeter/guest book people
  
• Additional servers for cake/champagne
  
• Honeymoon details
  
• Thank you cards