Meditations

[ladynox25]

Over the past few weeks, I've been thinking a lot about my past and my future. And of how my present is so different from what I expected it to be and how I got here and all the mistakes I made along the way. The chief of these, as most of you know, is the depression I went through after I lost Avi. After we broke up, that is. It's strange, perhaps, but I think of it more as "losing" him, as if he had died. Died to me, anyway. Every so often I still think about him, where he is, what he's doing. I expect he's probably married by now, probably has kids. Is probably still doing engineering. I wonder if he went back to Guyana or stayed here. I wonder if his parents are still alive. I wonder if he ever thinks of me, and if so, what he thinks. He's never tried to contact me so far as I know, and I've not tried to find him. There is just one remote way that he could still find me, if he wanted to. I often wonder, if he did contact me, what he would say. What I would say. How I would feel. Of course I know that the odds on that are probably longer than the odds of successfully navigating an asteroid field, but still. I suppose, in a little corner of my mind, I always will wonder, from now until I die, what happened to him. And there's a little corner of my heart that still aches a little for what happened. I suppose that will always be there, too.

Most days, though, I get on with my life, and by and large I'm too busy to dwell much on the past. But recently, like I said, I've had occasion to think about it. After all, if I went through all that, I have to try to get something out of it, some lesson or wisdom, hopefully valuable enough for the price I paid for it. Thinking back to how I felt before it all happened and how I feel now, on the other side, I think overall, I feel older. I feel mature, as if I did a lot of growing and am now nearly as large as I should be, inside. I definitely feel stronger.

I guess one of the main things I took away from that event, and everything that followed, was that people will screw you over. Well-meaning people, who promise you everything and mean it, will screw you over just as much as the assholes who never meant anything at all. The bad part about it is that you let them. When you're trusting and honest and honorable yourself and willing to fight the world to keep the one you want, then you believe that they will also be willing to fight the world to keep you. And that ain't necessarily so.

One thing I know for sure, is that I know when I am happy now. Before, I thought I was happy, and I was. I thought I knew what unhappiness was, from being teased and tormented and depressed and suicidal in middle school. I knew how far I'd come from that, and I thought I was happy. Which I was. But I didn't know how unhappy I could be. All that I suffered in middle school was only the tip of the iceberg compared to the heartbreak I suffered over Avi. And yes, I do think that "heartbreak" is a real thing. I can't find any other word to describe the absolute blackness of the despair that surrounded me for months after. That deep dark clammy pit that rose above me for miles and didn't show any way up. And when I grasped for help to those I considered my friends, so many of them pushed me even further down than I already was.

That's another lesson I've learned. Well-meaning people will screw you over. And then, when you're at your lowest and need the most help, the assholes will move in to have their turn. They'll use you and discard you and laugh at the idea that you were ever their friend. Ever deserving of their attention at all. That was almost worse than the initial damage, because I was having so much trouble trusting anyone anyway, and then people betrayed my trust. Again. And again. It is perhaps the most insiduous part of humanity, perhaps truly the cause of all human evil, the need of the small and the weak to put people down and keep them down. To push you away, to make you feel worse than you do, in order to make themselves look good. Because they feel weak, or afraid, they have to think that there's someone out there worse than they are in order to feel like they've accomplished anything. But all they accomplish is spreading more misery.

I'm serious when I say that that is the cause of all human evil. Think about it; murderers and rapists and thieves, predators and psychopaths, mass-murderers and meglomaniacs, they all do what they do because somewhere there is something lacking in them, and they choose criminal methods of making up for it. And leaving aside the criminal aspect, every day people who are hurting, like I was, put their hands out for help and have them slapped away by the assholes and the bullies in life. It's so much easier to hurt other people than it is to fix what's wrong with you, after all.

I very nearly went down that road myself at one point. I guess the only reason I didn't is that when I started pointing fingers, I had to point one big one at me. I chose to allow that relationship to happen. I could have avoided it, if I had wished to. I could have refused to date him, I could have insisted on being friends and nothing more. For several months I could have turned back, until I fell in love and then it was too late. But all of it, every bit of it, came out of my decision to walk down that path. What came out at the end of it was largely not my fault, but if I hadn't been on the path, it wouldn't have happened. So from the start, I've had to take full responsibility for the situation I've been in. This has made it more difficult to blame anyone and everyone else but myself.

One thing came out of that mess, as absolutely crystal clear. I knew who my friends were, and who I could depend on when things were rough. Is it any wonder that I value those people who stood by me then so highly now? Whenever I try to express my gratitude to them, most of them are surprised that I mention it. They think that what they did was so small, or that anyone could have or would have done it. Sometimes they have forgotten it. I don't forget. I can't forget, not that easily. I've always valued the friends I have, but those few who were there for me when my world crumbled around me, those who stood by me, those who listened to my depressed rantings over and over again, those who gave their ears, their advice, and sometimes a well-needed kick in the pants, those few people I treasure as jewels beyond price. belle_canto, whiskeyrivers, mauzybroadway, b_a, jnovak, turnberryknkn, and silmaril, I owe you all a debt of gratitude that goes beyond my abilities to express. But thank you. I know I may have said it before, but thank you.

I guess what it all boils down to is that I am grateful. I wouldn't have chosen to go through that hell. I wouldn't want to go through it again. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, even my worst enemy. But now, several years, and tears, and so much soul growth on from that event, I am grateful I went through it. Before, I thought I was strong. Now I know I am. Before I thought I was happy. Now I know I am. I know exactly how far down I went, and how horrible it was, and the whole experience has sparked a drive in me, a determination beyond anything I've ever felt before. I am not going down again. People may hurt me, and use me, and try to abuse me, and put me down, and walk on me. I don't give a damn. The people I care about, the people I depend on, I know what they think, and that's all that matters. Moreover, I know what I think.

Life can do what it will do. Fate will bring whatever it brings. I may be poor; I may be rich. I may live a long and happy life or a long and unhappy life or I may die tragically young. I might turn into a drooling idiot tomorrow. I may be in love with the man who will be my husband or in a few months' or years' time I may be all alone again. But whatever happens, I am not going down again. I will fight that with everything in me. And I discovered back then in all that mess that there is a hell of a lot more in me than I ever would have guessed. My mom knew, though. After all, she was the first one to call me Tiger.

Comments

[hoya99.livejournal.com]

*smooch*

I love you.

[turnberryknkn.livejournal.com]

Best wishes, and best of luck.