Thoughts (Part 1)
Mar. 30th, 2004 02:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladynox25From Nubule:
Often people don’t realise how much importance we’re placing in seemingly simple communications and a trailed-off email conversation can be surprisingly devastating. One thing that might be helpful is to make sure people know that you’re looking for a response, that it matters to you.
From Lederhosen:
One thing I've noticed about my own episodes of depression is over-analysing, and expecting others to do the same. I put oceans of meaning into every word, I make plaintive noises hoping people will pick up on them, and then get disappointed when they don't. And when they don't respond, or they do respond and sound distracted, it feels like a personal blow.
I'd get more and more frustrated, because I was miserable, and they WEREN'T PICKING UP on it, and that must mean they didn't care about me, and that made me more miserable... but I'd do my best to keep up the happy facade, because it felt like it wouldn't mean anything if they had to be asked.
It is a sad facet of the social conventions that we abide by that sometimes the politeness that is bred into us as children of not bothering people can be twisted to this point. It's certainly something that happens a lot with me. I wasn't brought up with the "children should be seen and not heard" dogma, but I was still "trained"--inadvertantly I'm sure--to not interrupt my parents unless what I needed was *really* important. And when you have such a load of depression, such low self-esteem, you tell yourself "Well, I'm not *really* all that important." So you don't ask. Because Heaven forfend that you interrupt people who are really busy with important stuff. You are unimportant. You can wait.
The introspection and over-analysis I got by way of the perfectionism I imbibed from my dad. I felt that I was never good enough for him to praise, and now the habit of continually re-evaluating myself and my actions to "fix" whatever is wrong is very deeply ingrained. Some of you have told me that I try too hard to please. Well, this is why. I know consciously that I should change this, but it's extremely hard to figure out how or where to begin. This is compounded by the fact of living with my parents, since by and large my dad hasn't changed his behaviors that started this all.
It's certainly true, as a number of people pointed out, that I shouldn't depend so much on other people. Unfortunately, as hard as I try not to, I find I want approval. I second guess myself and my opinions so much that often times I don't know what I am thinking about anything, or whether what I am thinking is the right way to think.
I want approval. I want to please. I want to make people happy because of me. And yet these very desires are the things that turn people off to me. I would like to figure out how not to want these things, but where do I start?
Often people don’t realise how much importance we’re placing in seemingly simple communications and a trailed-off email conversation can be surprisingly devastating. One thing that might be helpful is to make sure people know that you’re looking for a response, that it matters to you.
From Lederhosen:
One thing I've noticed about my own episodes of depression is over-analysing, and expecting others to do the same. I put oceans of meaning into every word, I make plaintive noises hoping people will pick up on them, and then get disappointed when they don't. And when they don't respond, or they do respond and sound distracted, it feels like a personal blow.
I'd get more and more frustrated, because I was miserable, and they WEREN'T PICKING UP on it, and that must mean they didn't care about me, and that made me more miserable... but I'd do my best to keep up the happy facade, because it felt like it wouldn't mean anything if they had to be asked.
It is a sad facet of the social conventions that we abide by that sometimes the politeness that is bred into us as children of not bothering people can be twisted to this point. It's certainly something that happens a lot with me. I wasn't brought up with the "children should be seen and not heard" dogma, but I was still "trained"--inadvertantly I'm sure--to not interrupt my parents unless what I needed was *really* important. And when you have such a load of depression, such low self-esteem, you tell yourself "Well, I'm not *really* all that important." So you don't ask. Because Heaven forfend that you interrupt people who are really busy with important stuff. You are unimportant. You can wait.
The introspection and over-analysis I got by way of the perfectionism I imbibed from my dad. I felt that I was never good enough for him to praise, and now the habit of continually re-evaluating myself and my actions to "fix" whatever is wrong is very deeply ingrained. Some of you have told me that I try too hard to please. Well, this is why. I know consciously that I should change this, but it's extremely hard to figure out how or where to begin. This is compounded by the fact of living with my parents, since by and large my dad hasn't changed his behaviors that started this all.
It's certainly true, as a number of people pointed out, that I shouldn't depend so much on other people. Unfortunately, as hard as I try not to, I find I want approval. I second guess myself and my opinions so much that often times I don't know what I am thinking about anything, or whether what I am thinking is the right way to think.
I want approval. I want to please. I want to make people happy because of me. And yet these very desires are the things that turn people off to me. I would like to figure out how not to want these things, but where do I start?
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no subject
Date: 2004-03-30 12:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-30 01:06 pm (UTC)Break it like any other habit. Tell yourself you're not that person, over and over, and distract yourself when you're doing something that you've decided isn't good for you. Replace it with something else, in this case, being interested in yourself instead of others.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-30 04:59 pm (UTC)Saying that is easy. Doing something about it, not as easy.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-30 01:17 pm (UTC)I think you're asking the right questions, and the important questions. These are all questions you and I have talked about many times, and you know what I would say to them all. I think asking these questions widely is good. I hope that someone else can give you answers that work better, are more helpful, than mine were.
Luck, Jenny.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-30 03:59 pm (UTC)OK, first off, the object is *not* to kill those desires altogether. We're social animals and the urge to relate positively to other human beings is an important part of our makeup. The only people who overcome that urge altogether are sociopaths, and that's not a good thing to be.
What's important is to moderate this stuff. Acknowledge it as important, but don't let it be the driving factor in your life.
As to 'how', that's a difficult question. The way I ended up doing that was very effective, but not one I'd recommend to a friend :-)
One possibility is to take notes on how you interact with people - private LJ posts would be very good for this - and re-assess them once in a while to see what patterns emerge. Every time you find a spot where you've done something primarily for the sake of winning somebody's approval, mark it. Every time you find a spot where you've done something purely for your own sake, without giving a damn what other people think about it, mark that too and give yourself a pat on the back.