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Thoughts (Part 1)
Mar. 30th, 2004 02:04 pmFrom Nubule:
Often people don’t realise how much importance we’re placing in seemingly simple communications and a trailed-off email conversation can be surprisingly devastating. One thing that might be helpful is to make sure people know that you’re looking for a response, that it matters to you.
From Lederhosen:
One thing I've noticed about my own episodes of depression is over-analysing, and expecting others to do the same. I put oceans of meaning into every word, I make plaintive noises hoping people will pick up on them, and then get disappointed when they don't. And when they don't respond, or they do respond and sound distracted, it feels like a personal blow.
I'd get more and more frustrated, because I was miserable, and they WEREN'T PICKING UP on it, and that must mean they didn't care about me, and that made me more miserable... but I'd do my best to keep up the happy facade, because it felt like it wouldn't mean anything if they had to be asked.
It is a sad facet of the social conventions that we abide by that sometimes the politeness that is bred into us as children of not bothering people can be twisted to this point. It's certainly something that happens a lot with me. I wasn't brought up with the "children should be seen and not heard" dogma, but I was still "trained"--inadvertantly I'm sure--to not interrupt my parents unless what I needed was *really* important. And when you have such a load of depression, such low self-esteem, you tell yourself "Well, I'm not *really* all that important." So you don't ask. Because Heaven forfend that you interrupt people who are really busy with important stuff. You are unimportant. You can wait.
The introspection and over-analysis I got by way of the perfectionism I imbibed from my dad. I felt that I was never good enough for him to praise, and now the habit of continually re-evaluating myself and my actions to "fix" whatever is wrong is very deeply ingrained. Some of you have told me that I try too hard to please. Well, this is why. I know consciously that I should change this, but it's extremely hard to figure out how or where to begin. This is compounded by the fact of living with my parents, since by and large my dad hasn't changed his behaviors that started this all.
It's certainly true, as a number of people pointed out, that I shouldn't depend so much on other people. Unfortunately, as hard as I try not to, I find I want approval. I second guess myself and my opinions so much that often times I don't know what I am thinking about anything, or whether what I am thinking is the right way to think.
I want approval. I want to please. I want to make people happy because of me. And yet these very desires are the things that turn people off to me. I would like to figure out how not to want these things, but where do I start?
Often people don’t realise how much importance we’re placing in seemingly simple communications and a trailed-off email conversation can be surprisingly devastating. One thing that might be helpful is to make sure people know that you’re looking for a response, that it matters to you.
From Lederhosen:
One thing I've noticed about my own episodes of depression is over-analysing, and expecting others to do the same. I put oceans of meaning into every word, I make plaintive noises hoping people will pick up on them, and then get disappointed when they don't. And when they don't respond, or they do respond and sound distracted, it feels like a personal blow.
I'd get more and more frustrated, because I was miserable, and they WEREN'T PICKING UP on it, and that must mean they didn't care about me, and that made me more miserable... but I'd do my best to keep up the happy facade, because it felt like it wouldn't mean anything if they had to be asked.
It is a sad facet of the social conventions that we abide by that sometimes the politeness that is bred into us as children of not bothering people can be twisted to this point. It's certainly something that happens a lot with me. I wasn't brought up with the "children should be seen and not heard" dogma, but I was still "trained"--inadvertantly I'm sure--to not interrupt my parents unless what I needed was *really* important. And when you have such a load of depression, such low self-esteem, you tell yourself "Well, I'm not *really* all that important." So you don't ask. Because Heaven forfend that you interrupt people who are really busy with important stuff. You are unimportant. You can wait.
The introspection and over-analysis I got by way of the perfectionism I imbibed from my dad. I felt that I was never good enough for him to praise, and now the habit of continually re-evaluating myself and my actions to "fix" whatever is wrong is very deeply ingrained. Some of you have told me that I try too hard to please. Well, this is why. I know consciously that I should change this, but it's extremely hard to figure out how or where to begin. This is compounded by the fact of living with my parents, since by and large my dad hasn't changed his behaviors that started this all.
It's certainly true, as a number of people pointed out, that I shouldn't depend so much on other people. Unfortunately, as hard as I try not to, I find I want approval. I second guess myself and my opinions so much that often times I don't know what I am thinking about anything, or whether what I am thinking is the right way to think.
I want approval. I want to please. I want to make people happy because of me. And yet these very desires are the things that turn people off to me. I would like to figure out how not to want these things, but where do I start?
